


take my oxygen (straight out of my own chest)

by byundaes



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Dialogue Heavy, M/M, Miscommunication, Severely OOC, misleading tag bc chanyeol is not technically in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25353490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byundaes/pseuds/byundaes
Summary: “Why haven’t I broken up with Chanyeol?”Because he makes me smile.Because he makes me laugh.Because he kisses me like I’m the most precious thing in the world.Because I love him.Alternatively, Baekhyun opens up to Kyungsoo seeking answers. But to do that, he needs to ask himself a question.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	take my oxygen (straight out of my own chest)

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: please read before continuing
> 
> This little fic is basically my diary. I've been feeling a lot of confusion and pain recently, and assigning it to these characters is a way for me to cope because I don't really have anyone to turn to. It's not like me to portray Baekhyun or Chanyeol in this way, but dire situations call for dire solutions. Think of it as me venting to the internet when Baekhyun vents to Soo <3
> 
> I don't think of these idols in this way obviously since it is my own life that this is drawing from, but I want to say it here before anyone attacks me for writing them horrendously ooc (I'm aware of that, don't worry.)

The tea has gone cold in Baekhyun’s hands. He no longer gains any warmth from the ceramic mug. It’s a silly mug, a painted penguin that he had gotten Kyungsoo for his birthday.

Kyungsoo sighs, stretching his legs out on the floor. The two of them sit on the carpet, their backs against the couch, because sometimes it’s just more comfortable this way. Sitting on the couch suggests a movie night. Sitting on the floor suggests a serious conversation.

_ Is this a serious conversation? _

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says quietly. “You haven’t suggested we do any activities, and you haven’t taken a sip of your tea. I think you need to start talking now.”

“Talking?” Baekhyun laughs, though it sounds hollow even to him. “We can’t just sit on the floor in silence with our full mugs of tea?”

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. He knows him too well.

Baekhyun sighs. “I dunno,” he mumbles. “I’m… afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Afraid to tell you this,” he admits. He looks up at Kyungsoo’s eyes and smiles weakly. “I just…”

“Do you want me to ask yes or no questions and you answer?” Kyungsoo asks, and Baekhyun thanks every higher being that he was blessed to have a best friend like Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, so stoic yet perceptive, so understanding. 

“Yes,” he says.

“Are you in any danger?”

Baekhyun shakes his head no.

“Is it about me?”

Another head shake.

“Is it about Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun pauses. Nods.

“Did he hurt you?”

Baekhyun flashes Kyungsoo a  _ look  _ and he backs off immediately. “I know he wouldn’t,” Kyungsoo says calmly. “I just need to make sure.”

“Chanyeol would never hurt me,” Baekhyun says. “He loves me.”

“I know he does,” Kyungsoo smiles.

Baekhyun sighs. “You’re my best friend.”

“Unfortunately.”

“But you’re also good friends with Chanyeol.”

Kyungsoo looks like he’s choosing his words carefully before he proceeds, “Yes. Chanyeol and I are great friends. But I’m willing to change my perception of him if he’s been mistreating you in any way.”   
“Then I probably shouldn’t…” Baekhyun groans in frustration, setting his mug on the ground before burying his face in his hands. “He’s not mistreating me. He’s not! He’s great. Chanyeol is just  _ so.  _ Great. And this is why I don’t want to say anything. Because he deserves to have great friends like you, and Jongdae, and everyone, and I don’t want to ruin things for him just because I’m…”

Baekhyun pauses.

“You’re?”

“Things are really complicated right now,” Baekhyun says. Already, he can feel the anxious pressure in his chest lifting off, disappearing.

Quietly, Kyungsoo says, “Tell me about it.”

Baekhyun takes his head out of his hands and looks up at the ceiling. “Chanyeol and I are supposed to be so perfect. We’re childhood best friends turned high school sweethearts turned soulmates. You know that’s what he said to me? He thinks we’re  _ soulmates _ , Soo. He said that when we had been dating for a  _ month _ . He said he thought we were gonna get married.  _ Married _ , Soo. At fifteen fucking years old! He called me the love of his life.

“I didn’t believe any of that. You know me. But… Chanyeol was just so good that I wanted to believe it. He was so sweet to me. Still is. I thought, what would be the harm in spending the rest of my life with him? I had already known him for most of my life up until that point. I didn’t think it would be any different.

“And for a while we were perfect. For a long while. But then everything got complicated when we started college. We started fighting. A lot.” Baekhyun pauses and takes a look at Kyungsoo’s face. He raises an eyebrow to indicate that he’s listening.

“It was stupid shit. Petty arguments. He never,  _ ever _ , was cruel to me. We were just… frustrated. Frustrated that we couldn’t see each other as much as we used to, and we took it out in our fights. I think - I think the turning point for me was when we had a really stupid fight. We had gone a few days without talking until finally, I apologized.”

Baekhyun laughs, bitterly. “But the thing is, I didn’t think I was in the wrong. I still don’t. I just told him what I knew he wanted to hear because I was just so goddamn  _ tired _ . I wanted to get over it and go back to how we were. So I apologized, took all of the blame, and we moved on.

“But I couldn’t move on. It was like… I was seeing myself through an entirely different lens. I noticed that I was doing things to please him. I started running with him in the mornings even though I hated waking up early. I learned how to play his favorite video game. He never asked me to, but... I did all these things, changed myself for him, and what did I get in return?”

“What  _ did  _ you get in return?” Kyungsoo asks, after Baekhyun falls silent.

Baekhyun wet his lips. “It’s not that I got nothing. Chanyeol’s a romantic, you know that. He wrote songs for me. He took me out to dinner every time he could. He wrote me little notes to find. I'm so grateful for that. I love it. I love him.”

“...But?”

“But he never asked me what music I was listening to. He never offered to watch my favorite movie with me. When I suggested a game he would lose interest. I feel like… I feel like I wasn’t  _ Baekhyun  _ anymore, I was just  _ Chanyeol’s boyfriend _ . Someone that he could cuddle and dote on but not an actual human being.”

“Did you tell him how you felt?”

“I would talk about my interests for a while, but he would just stare at me with this dopey look in his eyes and he’d say, ‘you’re so cute when you ramble.’ Like, that’s romantic the first time but I just wanted him to _listen to me_. And when I said that I wanted someone to talk to about that stuff, he told me to look online for a forum" Baekhyun feels his blood getting hot as his emotional scars are torn open. He talks faster, louder. "All the things he said he loved about me were in relation to him. He loves how I listen to him, he loves how I take care of him, he loves how I kiss his ear and call him ‘baby.’ I don’t feel like... like I have an identity anymore!”

Baekhyun realizes that his voice has gotten  _ far  _ too loud for three in the morning. He pauses.

Kyungsoo clears his throat. “But… have you told him how you feel? I mean, _really_ told him that he’s hurting you.”

Baekhyun sighs and hangs his head. “No,” he admits. “And that’s what I’m most ashamed about. I don’t want you to think Chan’s a bad guy. He’s not. I’m not perfectly innocent either.” Baekhyun looks up, and he can feel the tears in his eyes when he admits, “I don’t really feel like trying anymore.”

Kyungsoo stays silent, so Baekhyun carries on. “I’ve been so…  _ numb  _ for the past six months. I know that I should fix this, I know we should have this difficult conversation,  _ I know _ that this is all perfectly fixable. But I don’t know that I want to fix it. And I feel terrible for that.

“I don’t even… I don’t even know who I  _ am  _ anymore. I know how to be a good boyfriend. I know how to be a good friend. I know how to be a good son, a good brother, a good student. But I don’t know how to exist for myself. And that’s not Chanyeol’s fault, but… how can I be content in a relationship when I’m not even content with myself?”

Kyungsoo takes Baekhyun’s hand in his and squeezes. “I understand you, Baek. If not completely, then a little. And I want you to know that when I ask this next question, I’m asking it because I’m genuinely curious. I’m not trying to blame you or anything. Okay?” Baekhyun nods. “But if you’ve been feeling like this for that long, then why haven’t you broken up with Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun feels his chest aching. Months of buried pain are resurfacing, clawing their way through his throat and out through his mouth.

“Why haven’t I broken up with Chanyeol?”

_ Because he makes me smile.  _

_ Because he makes me laugh.  _

_ Because he kisses me like I’m the most precious thing in the world.  _

_ Because I love him. _

“Because I don’t want to be alone,” Baekhyun whispers. Hot tears of shame trail down his face as he stares at the ground, unable to face his best friend.

“Even if I don’t believe in that soulmate stuff, what if he’s right? What if Chanyeol’s the love of my life and if I let him go, that’s it? Isn’t it enough that I settle for a good thing?”

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says sternly. He grabs him by the chin and makes him meet his eyes. “If you were to leave Chanyeol right now, that would not be  _ it  _ for you. You’re twenty-two years old! You have your whole life ahead of you. You  _ will  _ find someone who loves you just as much, if not more, when you’re at a happier point in your life.”

Baekhyun is openly crying now, the saltiness from his tears tracing their way into his lips. “But how do I know? How do I know that there’s someone out there?”

Kyungsoo sighs. “You don’t. But what you do know is that you’re unhappy, and leaving Chanyeol would help you fix that. It might not be causing it, but it would help, right?”

Baekhyun nods. “I just… I don’t know. I need  _ time  _ to find myself. And I can’t do that when I’m trying to be Chanyeol’s boyfriend instead of being Baekhyun.”

“And you deserve that time.” Kyungsoo wipes away Baekhyun’s tears with his thumbs. “I know it’s hard, but people change. People change, or their perceptions of themselves change, and their partners don’t. And separations happen. It happens, Baek. And it sucks, but someday you’re going to find someone who changes with you. And if you don’t, then that’s okay too. My point is, no amount of love is worth exchanging who you are. The most loving person in the whole world couldn’t make you happy if you weren’t content with yourself. And isn’t that why we’re here? To be happy?”

Baekhyun’s breaths are shaky. “I want to be happy with myself.”

“So don’t you think you’ve been making yourself unhappy for far too long?” Kyungsoo smiles reassuringly, and for the first time in a long time, Baekhyun feels content. “I believe you when you say that Chanyeol wasn’t cruel to you. And I’ll keep on being friends with him if that’s what you want. But you need to let him go.”

_ Let him go…  _ Baekhyun’s heart squeezes at the thought, but the feeling is mixed with a new one, nearly as overwhelming and painful as the dread. It’s hope, Baekhyun realizes. He's hopeful for himself. Hopeful for the future.

Hopeful that he can finally be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Part two will be up sometime soon providing closure and some love to Chanyeol <3
> 
> Just want to reiterate that neither of them is necessarily the good guy or bad guy here, I tried to make it as realistic as possible. The real world ain't that black and white, babe.
> 
> title insp. "two" by sleeping at last  
> style insp. i've been watching a lot of dialogue heavy films recently. this one takes straight inspiration from 'autumn sonata' (dir. ingmar bergman) and the before trilogy (dir. richard linklater)
> 
> if you want to talk, my twitter is @maicasx but i don't post about kpop, i mostly tweet about film <3 <3


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